Sometimes he dreams of how it could have been had he waited. Of seeing her with eyes that sparkle with life instead of the vacant stare and half smile that is a permanent fixture of her daily expression. He sees more than just life in her eyes, he sees happiness and warmth, and above all he sees love. It’s a love that should have been, but the emotion is as foreign to him as it to Allura in her current state of mind.
And still the dreams persist, tormenting him with what ifs. A million scenarios play out in his mind, Lotor seeing all the ways they could have been happy together. He sees them courting, imagines asking her father for her hand in marriage. There’s a diamond engagement ring, the gem almost too heavy for Allura to lift her finger. It’s shine doesn’t compare to the dazzle of her smile on their wedding day, Allura resplendent in virgin white.
He never hears the words of their vows, but he sees the earnest look in her eyes as she pledges herself to him. Their kiss is sweet, almost chaste, the gathered guests erupting into cheers. Their wedding night is beautiful, he takes it slow, ushering her into womanhood with a patience and gentleness he’s never known. But for her he’d make the effort.
The dreams show him more than just the honey moon, he sees the future that has been denied to them. Allura’s stomach growing rounder, life developing within her. It’s a sign of their love, this miracle being they’ve created, and Lotor is there with her through all her pains of delivery. He actually weeps when he holds his son for the first time, Allura weak but smiling at them.
The child is a mix of their features, the best of both worlds and holding a bright future ahead of him. He sees them playing with their son, laughing and smiling, and teasing each other. It’s a happiness he’ll never know except in his dreams, and it leaves him feeling sick. Tortured. Angry at the world, at himself, and at her.
~Why couldn’t you have been stronger?!~ That is a thought he often thinks, railing accusations at Allura. She never answers, she can’t, she’s oblivious to him for almost ninety-nine percent of the time. Only when he forces his presence into her awareness with touch and sex, does she make a sound, panicked noises showing she remembers that night.
~Why couldn’t you have handled what happened!?~ He never expected her to be this weak, to break so easily after one night. To think that her mind could shatter so easily, the broken pieces that were left behind capable of responding only to a few things.
~”Why couldn’t you have waited?~ That last one hurts most of all, Lotor turning towards himself to shout out accusations. He knows the answer, knows that he had always been an impatient person, as greedy and grasping as a child when it came to taking what he wants. He’s paid the price, he knows that now, and yet he can’t reconcile himself to what he has done.
And so the dreams of what if continue to torment him, mocking him with the knowledge that the past is unchangeable, and his future is set in stone.