Better Worse 23

It’s been too long since I last held a woman. Too long since I have done anything more than kiss one. I can count the days down to the exact hour, my body having been deprived of the touch, the taste, the softness of a woman. It makes me frantic, my body hungering for more. If this was any other woman, I would gladly give in to the demands of my body. But Allura is no easy conquest, and much care must be taken to coax out her surrender.

I vibrate with impatience, my lips far gentler than I want them to be. I treat her mouth like delicate porcelain, my kiss a feather like touch that shatters her all the same. She’d actually speak around my kiss, an oath being issued.

“Damn you.”

She means those words, but it doesn’t stop Allura from reaching for me. From grabbing at my shoulders, from holding onto me for dear life. She thinks to anchor herself against me, but I am determined to sweep her away from all reason and sanity. I begin to deepen the kiss, my lips increasing their pressure. It allows her to feel the full effect of my kiss, and Allura’s lips seem to tremble in response. She’s fighting not to return it, and it’s not long before she’s so overcome with emotion that she crumples in my arms.

It takes no effort to lift her. She is thin, and the way Allura swoons makes her boneless. I insist on our mouths remaining connected, instinctively knowing I have to keep Allura off her guard. I can’t allow her to truly have time to think. To think is to remember, and with those memories regret and refusal will come. I cannot allow that to happen, my lips swallowing down any half formed protests she might make.

In just a few steps I have reached the bed, lowering Allura to it’s mattress. I follow after her, covering Allura with my body. I wonder if she is aware of how excited I am growing, how the blood flows into my organ, my cock becoming hard in an instant. I don’t examine too closely what my fast erection means. I’ve never been one to get THAT excited by a kiss, and I tell myself it’s only because I have been deprived of sex that my reaction time has quickened.

I keep on kissing her, slipping my tongue inside her mouth. I use it to taste her thoroughly, relearning the velvet contours with my tongue. She makes a distressed sound, but I don’t stop my assault to check on her. Instead I shift on top of her, sliding my hands between the mattress and her back. I caress her even as my fingers seek out the fastenings to her blouse, each string thin lace being pulled free of the fabric. I am so focused on the task of seducing her, I don’t pay much attention to her restless movements. That proves a mistake, something crashing down on the top of my head.

The ties forgotten, I actually yelp in pain. My head hurts, and though she tried her best, Allura hasn’t been able to knock me unconscious. I am lucky though I don’t feel it. My seduction has failed, and it’s all I can do to control my temper. And still I let my anger leak out into my expression, lifting my aching head to glare at her. I am brought short not by the expression on her face, but by the many tears streaking down her cheeks. How long has she been crying, I wonder and then tell myself I don’t care. But these tears are unexpected, as is the amount of pain in her eyes. All her hurt, her sadness, even her anger seems a million times worse now that she is openly crying and I realize this is the first time I have ever truly seen her like this.

There is a strength to her, though I am reluctant to admit that. I realize that for all the pain she must have been going through, she has never let me see her cry like she does now. I think I feel a twinge of remorse, though I don’t like it. Why should I regret having reduced her to this? Even worse, why is there a part of me that longs to comfort her now? But I am not ready to attempt such a thing, and in truth I don’t think it possible. Not with that depth of pain she is expressing. Nor I do think she would accept my clumsy attempts, and my suspicions prove true when she hoarsely issues a command.

“Get off of me.”

Even then she is regal, her voice ordering rather than pleading. Telling me what she wants, and expecting me to obey. The defiance I have felt ever since my blackmail and schemes have failed, rears it’s head. But it’s not as strong as it once had been. It seems for all my own anger and resentment, I can be brought to heel by Allura’s tears. That makes me frown as I try to offer a reassurance that it is nothing more than my reacting to such an unexpected display. I tell myself the next time Allura cries, I won’t be anywhere as affected as I am now.

She is shaking. I wonder if her trembles are born from the attempt to suppress her sobs. She’s never stopped gazing at me with that pain filled look, her blue eyes vividly expressing her turmoil. I can’t bear that look any longer, and there’s barely a protest in me when I wordlessly roll off her. My erection is painful, but there is nothing I can do. I have no interest to forcefully make love to a woman that hurts this much.

My back is to her, when I hear the shaky sounding sigh Allura lets out. It is not a true expression of relief, her pain too real, too raw for that. It actually tried to turn into a sob mid way through, and only Allura’s sheer strength of will kept it at bay. I can do nothing but honor that determination by pretending not to notice the sounds she tries to muffle.

There are many feelings I am experiencing, anger and disappointment chief among them. I do not like having my seduction attempt thwarted for any reason, especially when my body is excited beyond tolerance. The throbbing pain is nothing compared to that which Allura is feeling, a pain I have somehow caused. I can’t say I completly understand her torment, or why she would find it THAT disfavorable to be seduced by me now. There is no uncertainty in me, as I think back to our night in the garden’s gazebo. I remember her every sigh, and every appreciative moan. Even that brief moment of pain when I had taken her virginity hadn’t compared to the anguish in her now. I don’t entirely understand it. She had enjoyed herself then. Why couldn’t Allura allow herself to feel that same pleasure now?

I wasn’t as knowledgeable as I’d like to think. At that time I could not comprehend the depth of damage I had dealt Allura. All I was focused on was remembering how clearly satisfied she had been by me, how much she had enjoyed my attentions. I couldn’t begin to imagine how it must have felt for Allura upon awakening, how utterly destroyed she must have felt to find herself alone in the gardens. Nor could I imagine that same pain was part of what she was feeling in this moment. A pain that had been built upon with further betrayals, my attempts at blackmail and war only deepening the wounds inside Allura’s heart.

I had committed many crimes against this young woman. Crimes I wasn’t ready to admit to or attempt to atone for. If anything I felt she owed me! The forced marriage, the week spent imprisoned, my people’s contempt, my father stripping me of my assets. All of it added up to a debt in my mind, one I would gladly have Allura pay with by the use of her body. I didn’t care that I had nearly ruined her, that I had turned her life upside down. All that mattered to me was the upheaval this was having on me and my own ambitions.

And yet I couldn’t even properly fight with her. Not at this moment. Not when every time I turned to face her, she still wore that wounded look, the tears seeming to never stop their flow. What could I even say to her? What words could I use that wouldn’t end this with her even more distressed than she already was? I had already experienced first hand the effect her tears had on me, though I refused to acknowledge it as anything more than an instant mood killer.

“Fucking hell!” I let out the most vile curse I knew, the forceful exclamation registering with Allura. She’d flinch back, as though I had directed that word at her. But I had not, the exclamation being a culmination of all my own anger and frustration. I didn’t feel better to have said it, my body agitated as I walked away from the bed. I’d feel Allura’s worried gaze on me, the princess tracking my every movement.

I’d get a sick satisfaction out of slamming the bathroom door shut behind me. But it wasn’t violent enough to soothe the anger in me. In this moment, maybe nothing was, so long as I had that damnable subduing device monitoring my behavior. I glared at my arm, at the spot where the device had been implanted. It wouldn’t be the first time I harbored the fantasy of slicing open my own arm in order to dig out the device. But my nails weren’t sharp enough for such a task, and the bathroom had been stripped of all sharp implements including scissors and razors.

Growling curses under my breath, I would turn on the showers. The freezing temperature of the water didn’t immediately cool me down. I’d stand there for a small eternity, just letting the shower pelt me with it’s icy spray. I hadn’t even bothered to peel off the tight fitting pants, letting the fabric get as soaked as the rest of me. Shattered remains of the vase Allura had hit me with were dislodged from my hair, the colorful pieces of the pattern littering the shower’s floor. I knew I was fortunate that at worst I suffered a headache, and nothing more serious from her desperate attempt to free herself from my amorous intent.

My bad mood continued even after I finally turned off the shower. I was never the most pleasant when what I wanted was denied to me, and I had been going days without sex. Even worse, I had been sure of my victory, thinking that tonight I would finally sate at least one of my lusts on Allura. The sex wouldn’t have made my situation any better, but it might have made it slightly more tolerable as I waited for the chance to make my escape from this world.

My desires were never far from my mind, sexual satisfaction and the need to rid myself of the wife and child forced on me the top priorities. I wanted off of this planet, I wanted free of Allura and her family. I wanted my fortune returned to me, wanted the power and respect of the Doom Empire backing me once more. I didn’t want to be the laughing stock of my father’s court, nor did I want the contempt of my people who had been lead to believe it was all my fault, the lives Doom lost in the fight with Arus. I wanted revenge from any and all who had slighted me, but especially against Alfor and that traitorous father of mine.

I wanted so many things, and yet didn’t know how to get them! Allura should have been offering me the quick and easy solution to my need for sex, but even with vows exchanged between us, she refused to give herself over to my desires. I really could not understand why she was making things so difficult, and I refused to entertain the idea that perhaps there had been something about our tryst in the gardens that had not appealed to her. I was an idiot, refusing to understand that the aftermath of the encounter, had proven so horrific, so humiliating and demeaning, it had soured Allura’s thoughts on sharing any sort of intimacy with me. With those cruel and carefully planned acts, I had done damage to Allura, and to my relationship with her. And yet I wasn’t ready to try and make amends. Instead I was set to scheming, trying to think how to seduce, how to manipulate, even how to successfully demand the sex she was denying me.

I knew enough to know sex wasn’t happening tonight. Not after that display of pain she had shown me. Even if Allura could somehow calm down enough to tolerate my touch, neither one of us was truly in the mood. My desires had cooled somewhat, I was more grumpy then anything now. And Allura? She was laying on her side when I came out of the bathroom, actually curling into herself. A large pillow was hugged against her front, the princess hiding her face against it’s softness. I couldn’t be entirely sure, but aside from the occasional sniffle, she appeared to have settled down.

One of the chairs by the window was still draped with blankets, but I did not go to it. There was no way I was going to give up a nice, soft bed in favor of sleeping in an uncomfortable chair. Allura would just have to deal with my presence besides her. Either deal, or get up and take the bed she had tried to make of the chair.

She’d actually recoil when I slid in besides her. I had made no effort to touch her, and yet she moved to evade me, body seeming to curl tighter in a defensive ball. Already tense, she turned more so, her body doing the slightest shaking. It annoyed me, that extreme dislike she showed me. As if I was some monster to avoid, and not the man she had eagerly fucked two and a half weeks ago.

Remembering how she had acted on that night, I was almost tempted to make a dig at her. Almost tempted to remind her she had all but asked to be used by me. I was certainly in the mood to be mean, especially now that sex seemed out of question for this night. I actually opened my mouth to issue some angry insult, but in the end I did nothing but sigh. Sex might be out of the question for tonight, but what about in the nights that followed? If there was even a chance I could get laid, shouldn’t I try to be somewhat civil to her now? And so I bit back my comments about how everything that had happened was her own fault, and instead muttered a gruff apology.

“I’m sorry.”

I didn’t truly think those words alone would fix everything, but still it annoyed me when her soft retort was issued.

“No, you’re not.”

I was all set to snap back at her, but then heard the catch of her breath. With those words, it seemed the last of her strength was gone, Allura beginning to openly sob into her pillow. I grumbled none too loudly, and rolled so that my back was to her. I grabbed at my own pillow, tempted to put it over my head in an attempt to drown out Allura’s distress. I would spend an hour at least, listening to Allura. To her upset, and subsequent calming down. To the deep breaths she took, and the occasional sniffles she let out.

I can’t say who fell asleep first. But morning came sooner than I would have liked. Allura looked as though she hadn’t moved one inch from her side of the bed, the pillow still clutched against her. I had inched closer to her during the night, though thankfully I hadn’t been fool enough to pull her into my arms. I probably would have been slapped for such an attempt, Allura overreacting to what I did instinctively in my sleep.

There was no morning greetings issued out between us. Allura seemed intent on ignoring me, and I can’t say I was much better. I’d slowly sit up, blinking rapidly to shield my eyes from the bright sunlight streaming in through the windows. I’d grumble something about how the curtains had been left open, and then suddenly Allura was upright. At her sudden movement, I’d turn to look at her, noting the sickly appearance of her skin. I saw the queasy expression she wore, and then Allura was bolting for the bathroom. A retching sound would follow her disappearance inside, my own nose wrinkling in distaste.

She’d actually spend enough time in the bathroom for me to grow concern. I’d venture towards her, though what I could do, I did not know. Allura would be pale faced, taking shaky, stumbling steps out of the bathroom. She held a wet hand towel in hand, which she kept pressing to her mouth as though she feared a repeat of her nausea would send her back into the bathroom. Our eyes would meet, and I would realize Allura was still very tired, the faintest of circles showing under her eyes. It didn’t detract from her beauty, though anyone used to the normal sparkling loveliness of the princess, would be alarmed by this frail vision she presented now.

I frowned, knowing it wasn’t natural. Even with a lack of sleep, she shouldn’t look this sick. I nearly kicked myself when the equation added up. She hadn’t been eating much, especially given the amounts of time she had been sick these last few days. But it wasn’t stress that was the cause, at least not all of it. It was the baby itself, that was responsible for Allura’s worn condition, the nature of it’s heritage. Yes, it was part human, but another part was Drule. And that alien half had always made the pregnancies difficult for all too human mothers to endure.

Was that a twinge of guilt I felt, knowing I was partly to blame for Allura being so sick? It surely had to be, for I was reaching for her arm, ignoring Allura’s attempts to avoid me. I was downright solicitous, insisting on helping her to the nearest seating available. I’d even go as far as to fetch her a glass of water, an act that had Allura both surprised and suspicious. I can’t say I blamed her, especially with the way I was hovering over her.

“It’s going to get worse.” I would murmur to her. She’d peer up at me, any confusion she felt brief at best. Instead her eyes took on a dismayed look, Allura realizing what I referred to.

“The baby…” She breathed out, a hand going to cover her belly. “But…how do you know that?”

“It’s a common enough thing when a Drule child is carried by a human mother.” I explained to her. “Even if that baby is only a quarter percent Drule…” I sighed then. “It’s never an easy thing, for a human to endure a Drule pregnancy.” Her hand seemed to clench tighter around the glass she held, Allura lowering her gaze towards it.

“It’s why I’ve been so sick…” She said in a dull tone of voice.

“Yes. This is a time when you have to tread carefully if you want to keep the child alive and healthy.” I told her.

“Of course I do!” Allura exclaimed as fierce as she could manage. Her eyes were back on me, showing sparks of anger in them. “You may not want this child, but I…”
“You cannot possibly want this child!” I interrupted her with a frown. “It’s ruining BOTH our lives!”
“Child or no, my life was already ruined the night you tricked me!” Allura pointed out. Her hand was still touching her belly, as though she was trying to protect the baby inside it.

“This child just complicates an already difficult situation.” I retorted. “If not for it’s existence there would have been no need for us to marry.”

“If not for this child, you’d most likely be DEAD.” Allura snapped with a finality that had me stepping back. “My father wanted you dead.”

“Doom…Zarkon would never allow your father to get away with killing the crown heir!”

“You still think Doom powerful enough to stop Arus from doing what it wants to do?” Allura gave me a look that spoke of how big a fool she thought me. “My father’s military would crush Doom’s just as easily as we crushed the fleet that attempted to rescue you from our dungeons!” She let out a haughty little scoff then. “And your father is smart enough to understand this!”

I grit my teeth together. “My father is being nothing more than a weak minded, easy to control coward! There is no gain unless one tries. There is no proof that the full might of the Doom Empire could lose to Arus’ power!”

“And yet you yourself hesitated to take Arus by force!” She reminded me. “You preferred to conquer Arus through deceit and blackmail!”

“I was trying to take Arus in a way that would minimize the loss of lives, and the damage done to the planet! Not to mention trying to see to the saving of your family!” She narrowed her eyes at me, clearly showing her doubt about my intentions. “If Doom, if my father and his advisors had their way, they would see the entire ruling family of Arus executed! Do you want that? Do you want to watch your parents die, to see your cousins’ corpses defiled?”

“No…” A shake of her head, and then she was showing me defiant and angry eyes. “Lotor…you can try to hide your crimes behind as noble an intention as you like. But the fact remains, what you did was dishonorable. To me, to my family, and even to yourself! We thought you better than this….I thought you better.” Allura blinked rapidly then, leaving me to fear the return of her tears. “You’re not. You’re nothing but a snake….cold, callous, and self serving. You don’t care about anything or anyone, you live only for your own desires and ambitions.”

She kept right on blinking, but Allura wasn’t crying. I couldn’t be relieved, feeling anger flare up in response to her accusations. “That’s not true.” I retorted. “You don’t know me well enough to make those kind of decisions!”

The look Allura gave me was bleak, almost hollow of any true emotions. “You’re right.” She whispered hoarsely. “I don’t know you. I never knew the real you at all.” Before I could say anything in reply, she was throwing the glass of water down on the carpet. “And from what I’ve experienced…” The sickly look was back in her eyes, Allura lurching upright. “I don’t want to at all!”

I didn’t call after her as she made her stumbling way to the bathroom. What could I possibly say to her? Nothing that could make the situation better. I wasn’t that nice a person. I had used and hurt people, Allura most especially. And not even the fact that I had thought to take Arus by peaceful means could lessen the damage I had done to the princess. I had thoroughly screwed things up, and hadn’t even realized yet how badly.

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