Better Worse 24

The nausea that had come over me was the most intense yet, leaving me almost violently ill. I’d wretch and heave, my stomach trying to expel what little food I had left in me. I’d stay hunched over the toilet, my near feverish hands placed on the cool sides of the porcelain. My throat hurt from all the gagging I had done, leaving me to wonder how I could hope to ever swallow down anything again.

I didn’t think I could tolerate even a mouthful of water, let alone breakfast. I felt hot and dizzy, my stomach churning in upset. I’d get another hand towel, soaking it thoroughly. Using the damp fabric to wet my tongue and lips, in an effort to soothe. I wanted nothing more than to drop down on the cool tile of the floor, and only the very real fear that a servant would find me in that pose kept me from doing just that.

I was unstable as I exited out of the bathroom. I didn’t quite stumble, but my legs felt shaky all the same. Lotor did not offer me any assistance this time. He barely looked my way, save for a cold stare that lacked any true emotion. I was too weak feeling to even get properly angry at yet another proof of his lack of caring towards me. I just kept on pressing the damp towel against my lips, making my unsteady way towards my vanity. I wouldn’t even do anything once seated, just sit there with my head bowed, tasting the wet cloth on my tongue. Lotor paced some distance behind me, prowling about my bedroom like a caged animal. To me, he was little better than some beast, wild and perhaps unable to be tamed.

Nor did I feel up to the task of taming him! I might never be, and in truth a strong part of me believed it impossible. Lotor would always be a fiend, reprehensible and self serving. I thought he cared little about anything other than his own desires, the prince unable to tell the difference between wants and needs. I might even wonder what had changed him so, what had warped the young boy from my memories into this detestable man of my reality. Had he been dealt some kind of hurt? But I refused to follow that question too closely. I wanted nothing to soften me into weakening around him, into fooling myself yet again about Lotor. Whoever that boy had been, he was different now. Cold and cruel, a user and abuser of the worst kind. It shouldn’t matter what had happened to make him this way.

Even as I thought that, I wondered about the changes in myself. On how I viewed life and men differently. I was no longer the Allura who had so foolishly loved and dreamed on her eighteenth birthday. That girl was gone forever, vanquished by Lotor’s mortal blow. I can’t claim I was happy with the woman I had become. Not when I was so upset and miserable, so depressed and frightened of the truth being revealed.

Even now, at my most sick, I was scared. Frightened that the servants would realize what my frequent bouts of nausea meant. I could see by my reflection, that I didn’t look healthy. My skin had a sickly sheen, my eyes dull with pain. There were dark circles under my eyes, speaking of the restless nights I had endured. My cheeks were no longer rosy with color, my complexion so pale.

The pregnancy and the deceit around it, was taking it’s toll on me. The stress of it all, of keeping such important secrets, and the stress of enduring Lotor’s demanding behavior, was weakening me. I needed to eat more than I was, and yet I was too sick to properly take in a meal. I hadn’t even been able to sleep well, spending the last two nights crying and defending myself against Lotor’s desires.

In the moment I just wanted to lay down. To take the sleep I so needed. But I was aware of how watched I was. Already there was talk, the servants having noticed certain things about my health and behavior. I couldn’t arouse any more suspicions, I had to carry on as though all was as normal as could be given the circumstances of my marriage.

I lowered the towel to the vanity, and sat up straighter. I still felt unwell, but a determination was filling me. Appearances had to be kept up, no matter what. To that effect, I began to brush out my hair. I saw through the mirror how Lotor turned at my sudden action. I didn’t turn to look at him, instead meeting his questioning gaze through the mirror.

“Go and get dressed.” I told him in a commanding tone. My hand was steady, the brush running over the thick mane of my hair. “We will be expected to put in an appearance at breakfast.”

“Breakfast?” He repeated with a frown. I gave a nod, seeing how his frown deepened. “Are you sure you’re well enough for that?”

“No.” I retorted, calm enough. “But there will be talk otherwise.”

“Screw them and their talk.” Lotor practically growled. “You are in no condition…”

“It’s precisely because I am in no condition that I must go.” I told him in a flat tone. “It’s too soon, Lotor. If people catch on that I am pregnant, they will realize this baby
was conceived out of wedlock. It will bring shame to my family…and to you as well!” I was reminding him of how they would laugh to know Lotor had been caught in a trap of his own making. It annoyed him, the prince actually grinding his teeth together.

“Fine.” He grit out, and stalked towards the closet. He’d pull out clothing, some ill fitting outfit that had been modified as best it could to fit his frame. Lotor was shameless and uncaring that I was present, beginning to unbutton his shirt. I had to pretend it did not bother me, to be present for his undressing. But my hand began to shake, my eyes trying not to look at his half stripped form in the mirror. That night in the garden, I had not seen much of him. It had been too dark for my all too human eyes, and Lotor hadn’t removed much of his clothing. Before I could begin to admire his impressive form, a bitterness filled me. And all because I remembered how Lotor had helped to undress me, all to further my humiliation when I woke up alone and cold the next morning.

I can’t say that bitter feeling made me feel any better. But perhaps it lent me just enough strength to stand. I’d walk past Lotor who was struggling into too tight pants, and retrieved my own clothing from the closet. My eyes didn’t even stray towards him, my appearance that of someone completely unaffected by the magnificent male that stood nearly naked in the room. And he was magnificent, at least in appearance. I couldn’t deny that, longing for another look at him even as I refused to turn.

Lotor didn’t notice at first what I was doing. I suppose he thought I wouldn’t have the nerve to disrobe in front of him. But as the ties to my blouse loosened, I let the fabric slide off my shoulders. The blouse was light, but still made a sound as it hit the floor. A Drule’s hearing is sharp, and though I did not look Lotor’s way, I sensed his movements. There was a pause, followed by a deep exhalation of breath.

“Allura….what are you doing?” Lotor asked, his voice oddly clipped.

“What does it look like I am doing?” It was no sweet tone that asked that question. I shimmied out of my pants, and began to unfasten my bra. I heard a sharp hiss, and wondered if I blushed. Probably not, not while I was still so pale and sickly looking.

I was cold, detached as I reached to hook fingers under the waist band of my panties. I think if I stopped to think about what I was doing, I would have frozen with mortification. But I kept saying to myself Lotor didn’t want me, that he didn’t truly desire me. I was just a means to an end, something I had always been, right from the night in the garden, to now when he saw me as the only female available to slake his lusts on. I certainly didn’t believe my body could hold any appeal for him, that I could be affecting him in any way.

It was those thoughts that fueled me, my hands tensing in preparation to angrily jerk my panties down. I barely moved them, a gasp escaping me as strong fingers closed around my wrists. Those gripping fingers kept me from removing my panties, a jerk on my wrists spinning me around to face Lotor. His expression looked strained, his jaw clenched as he glared furiously at me. I could only blink in response, not failing to notice he was purposefully avoiding looking at my body.

“Are you an idiot, or do you purposefully play with fire?” Lotor demanded in a terse tone of voice. I could only blink owlishly at him, truly feeling like the idiot he had wondered me to be.

My lack of true response bothered him. “Allura!” He’d angrily say my name, fingers tightening around my wrists. “Answer me.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” I finally said.

He seemed barely in control, growling out what might have been a Drule curse. “You know what I’ve been craving.” He accused, his expression now angry. “You know what I’ve needed. What you’ve denied me…”

My cheeks burned at that, and my back stiffened. “Yes.” I said in a cold tone of voice. “I know how you’d use me…”

“And yet you still do this?!” He demanded. “Are you purposefully cruel? Do you enjoy torturing me?!”

“I am not the cruel one.” I retorted. “I am not the one who deceives and manipulates. I am not the one who would pretend to desire someone I can’t stand. Someone I would only use and toss aside at the first available opportunity!” Again that clenching of his jaw. But before he could offer up some denial, some lie that would hurt me, I was shouting. “You never loved me! You never even WANTED me! I was just something you could use…..” I was sneering at that point, and not even the surprised look in his eyes could soften my expression. “I still am.” I finished, pleased my voice didn’t betray my anguish.

“You think I faked my desire?” Lotor asked in a disbelieving tone. I gave a stiff nod, and absolutely bristled in anger when he began to laugh.

“Let go of me!” I cried out, trying to break free of his hold on my wrists. He jerked on them, drawing me up close. I was pleased I didn’t give in to my gasp, glaring furiously at him.

“How little you know of men…” He told me in a patronizing tone. “Allura dear….if I hadn’t wanted you, do you think my body would have reacted that night?” I was struggling to get free, possibly hurting myself in the process. “Or that I wouldn’t be half hard at the mere sight of you now?”

My eyes widened, Lotor crudely forcing my right hand against his groin. His pants were unfastened, allowing me to feel the heat of him against my palm. It was as he said, Lotor aroused and only growing more so at the contact of my hand. His eyes seemed to glitter with satisfaction as I stared into them, Lotor giving me a twisted smile.

“You are beautiful.” He told me. “Pleasing not only of face but of figure. You have large breasts, and you taste sweet. Your looks alone would be enough to satisfy me, but Allura? Your body, oh how it attracts! The sounds you made, the tight wet feel of you around my cock, working to squeeze out every drop of pleasure….”

“Stop it.” I growl. I was furious, and most likely red faced even as I felt sick. His cock seemed to lengthen, as though reacting to what Lotor was saying.

“You have a sensual mouth Allura.” He was ruthless, his gaze now on my mouth. “Plump little lips that would feel delightful wrapped around my cock.”

If Lotor hadn’t been holding onto both of my wrists, I would have slapped him then and there. I was aghast at the mental image he painted, and trembling with my anger. “I would never….”

“Everything about you is made for sin…” He continued. “You were born to please men…From your soft delicate hands…” Lotor actually began rubbing himself against the palm of my hand. “To the wet and juicy depths between your legs…” His eyes seemed to darken, the gold almost amber now as he grew heated by his actions. “Lucky is the man who gets to savor the richness of your body…”

I made a strangled noise, horrified and unable to coherently reply. He was still staring at my lips, and I couldn’t help but recall what he had said about them being wrapped around his dick. I shuddered in response, Lotor closing the distance between our faces. I honestly thought he was going to kiss me, but at the last possibly second he grazed my cheek with his lips instead.

“We made each other feel good that night in the gardens.” His voice was purring in my ear, low, throaty, downright sensual. “But Allura? You haven’t begun to explore the possibilities of your body…”

I refused to be curious, struggling to get away. He just ruthlessly held on, continuing to whisper in my ear. “You’ve never felt my mouth between your legs, tongue licking, teasing, tormenting.” His tongue snaked out, teasing against my ear. It made me start in fright, but Lotor wouldn’t allow me to bolt from him. “I didn’t take my time with you that night…didn’t take the time to introduce you slowly to all the ways you can be pleasured…”

“Let…let go…” I didn’t succeeded in sounding commanding. If anything I came off as begging.

“Have you ever touched yourself Allura?” I quickly shook my head no, catching sight of the Cheshire cat grin he gave me. “Then you know little of the spots that can please you…of the treats that await you….”

The way Lotor was talking, it sounded as though he thought it was a sure thing that he would be the one to educate me about my own body. I shook my head, glaring at him. “It won’t be you…” I tried to hiss, but it came out more a hoarse whisper. “It will never be you…”

Again that laughter, his amusement sounding absolutely wicked. I shivered in response, and felt the kiss he placed just behind my ear. But Lotor didn’t stop at one kiss, beginning to work his way down. His lips would caress from my ear down the side of my neck, leaving little moist kisses on my shivering flesh. He’d continue to rub against my hand as he did this, his breath sounding harsh with excitement.

I was beginning to realize what a bad idea it had been to undress in front of him. I was, as Lotor had said, of pleasing form. And unlike myself, Lotor didn’t need more than that. He was clearly able to distance his heart from the act of sex, and he didn’t care that I couldn’t do the same. He didn’t give a damn that this was hurting me, that everything he did and said, only slid the dagger more firmly into my heart.

His teeth bit at the crook of my shoulder, and damn if my body didn’t react to that nip. Even as I felt repulsed by what he was doing, an ache was settling within me. Was it desire? And what did it truly want? Sex like Lotor promised, or did it want the intimacy and feeling of a true partner? I knew what I had once wanted. To love and be loved in return, feelings making sex something so much more than what Lotor would have it be. I didn’t want to be just a sating of his desires, nor could I trust in Lotor to ever believe anything he said to me where love was concerned.

“You’re so tense Allura.” He was licking and biting at the side of my neck, tongue washing over my pulse point. “You need to relax.”

A hoarse, hysterical laugh escaped me. How could I relax, when he wouldn’t let go of my hands, when he kept using his mouth on me? When he refused to understand how he was making my skin crawl and my heart hurt? “I can’t…”

“You can. It’s easy.” He seemed to know I had meant the words to cover more than just my tension. “All you have to do is let go, and give yourself over to desire….”

That was something I would never again do! Especially not with him! But his words of the night before came back to me, leaving me to recall how he had said in disbelief I couldn’t honestly expect us to have a sexless marriage. I didn’t know if that was truly possible, but what I was did know was that I wasn’t ready to be used by him a second time. Perhaps I’d never be ready, and if that was so, it was something Lotor would just have to accept.

“Lotor…” I exhaled a shaky breath, feeling his sharp teeth graze over my skin. He was going to leave a mark, something he had no right to do. “Lotor…st…” I was in the process of jerking on my hands, when a loud knocking sounded on the door. Lotor didn’t even stop what he was doing, murmuring huskily against my skin.

“Whoever that is, will go away.”

He bit at my pulse point, and began to suck at the skin there. It felt entirely too good, and that gave me the strength to call out. “Enter!” Lotor didn’t seem to realize what I had done, still working over my skin. The door to the bedroom would open, and I would hear several gasps and giggles.

“Princess Allura…we must have misheard…” One of the three red faced maids said. They were rooted to the spot in the doorway, wide eyed and staring at Lotor’s back. They couldn’t see me very well, but they knew enough to realize I was practically naked. Lotor was no better, wearing only tight fitting pants that weren’t buttoned closed.

“Go away!” Lotor growled, and I’m sure the maids would have fallen over themselves to get out of the room. But I smiled sweetly, and spoke quickly.

“There’s no need to be so rude.” I tried to get my hands free of Lotors’ grip but he held on like a vise. “Did you have business with us, Marie?”

“Er yes…” stammered the maid. “The prince’s wardrobe has finally arrived from Doom….we were about to bring it inside…..”

“Isn’t that wonderful, Lotor?” I continued in that syrupy sweet voice. “Now you won’t have to wear the castle’s hand me downs.”

“We can come back later…” Marie started to say, the other two maids echoing her sentiments.

“There’s no need.” I quickly reassured. “Besides. It’s more than late enough that everyone will be inquiring as to our whereabouts at breakfast. Come, Marie. Help me get dressed while Triana and Polly bring in the prince’s clothing.”

“Yes, your highness” squeaked out the maids, Marie beginning a hesitant walk towards me. I continued to wear my sweetest smile, catching sight of Lotor’s livid expression. He really had no choice now but to let go of me or make a scene. Lucky for us all, he behaved himself, stepping towards the window. He seemed to be breathing very heavily, as though he was finding it difficult to maintain his calm. Inwardly I was no better, glancing down at my bruised wrists. Marie would also notice, and I wondered what sort of gossip would spread about this and the scene they had thought they witnessed. I wasn’t too worried, actually smiling a satisfied smirk. Lotor probably hadn’t intended for anything more to happen today than to get his lusts sated. But with this one act, he had helped to foster the illusion that we were becoming more intimate with each other. It made me feel hopeful that our deception about just when the baby was conceived, would actually work out after all. And for that I was as relieved as I was immensely grateful.

 


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