Regret 06

When Lotor pulls out of me, my body loses the last of it’s strength. I collapse on the bed, laying crumpled in place on the torn and soiled sheets. I can feel the proof of his release, the hot, sticky semen dripping down my thighs. It makes me cringe, the tears coming faster. Harder as I sob. I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and even my mind suffers from the torments of the night.

I remember what I had asked of him, how I had begged him to please forgive me. He hasn’t forgotten either, his voice harsh as he hisses at me. Telling me I had no right to ask him of that. Miserable, I close my eyes, more tears falling on the sheets. I can’t stop them, any more than I can keep in my sobs.

“I know.” That utterance doesn’t make anything better between us. I don’t look at Lotor, but I hear his movements. Feel the bed shake as he moves away from me. I should be more cautious, should try to anticipate what he will do next. But my energy is gone, I can’t even lift myself up to roll over onto my back. In this moment, all I can do is cry. And feel every ache and pain he has caused, not all of it from his physical possession of me.

The wounds he does to my soul are just as effective as the pain he has caused my body. I am hurting, in more ways than I had ever expected. I had expected him to want me, to humiliate and degrade me. To use me for his sexual satisfaction. But apparently I hadn’t prepared myself for just how angry he would still be after my rejection from a decade ago. It is an anger that tells me Lotor has never fully healed from the way I broke his heart. It alarms me. I wouldn’t have put myself in his grasp if I had known he was still raw from that hurt.

I call myself foolish then. I tell myself it has nothing to do with a broken heart, but more his broken pride. He had spent two years chasing me, doing everything he could to try and convince me to marry him. Sometimes his tactics had been downright dirty, but he had always given me a choice. Even if the choices had been to choose among two evils, deciding which one I could stomach the cost of more.

He had stalked and pursued me, chased me across the galaxy. Kidnapped me dozens of times. And yet, he had wanted me to give in of my own accord. And that was something I could not do. Not even once his father died, and Lotor took control of the Doom Empire. I had been to frightened of him, too terrified of what he would do to me once we were pledged to one another. Now I am bitter, unable to scornfully laugh. Because I hadn’t avoided anything, I had merely delayed the inevitable. Lotor had finally had me, and he had not been kind, nor considerate of my own feelings.

This weak body of mine has learned how vulnerable I truly am to him. How easily he can play me, bringing me pain one instant, and undreamed of pleasures the next. I weep even more, remembering the unexpected delight, the feel of my body giving in to climax after climax. I hated that he could make me feel good in anyway, and I hated my body for turning traitor. For welcoming his attentions so eagerly.

I had wanted to come away from his bed unchanged. I had not wanted to be moved by anything he had done. I certainly hadn’t expect this frigid body of mine to melt under his tongue’s strokes, to find myself shaking uncontrollable against the sudden onslaught of pleasure. The few lovers that I had? They cannot compare. Even their kindness is lost to Lotor’s cruelty. He’s made a mockery of their attempts at pleasing me, showing me the hidden perversion of my heart. Why did it take my enemy to bring me to so pleasurable a completion? Why must Lotor be the one to have such command over my body, stirring such a powerful response deep inside me?

I can’t help but wonder if something is wrong with me. To hate so completely, and yet enjoy something, anything that he has done? It’s unforgivable, and I despise myself for it. I despise Lotor too, fearing he has been the ruin of me. How can I ever have any semblance of normalcy after this night? How can I ever hope to have sex with any other man, and not remember the things Lotor has made me feel? The lust and the disgust, the feelings mixing together, reluctant, unwelcome pleasure filling me.

I want this night over with. I want to be returned to my ship. I want to go home to Arus, put myself as far out of reach of Lotor as possible. And yet I am not free to leave until he officially dismisses me. Until he lets me know I have done enough to ensure he will continue to protect Arus. I will continue to do anything I can to ensure he keeps his promise, endure any humiliating act for as long as he demands. I am fearful of the unknown, of just how depraved he might prove to be. But I love my planet too much to abandon it. Especially after I’ve come this far.

I still hope one night will be enough for him. It may be a foolish hope. Lotor can well command me to remain on Doom for weeks, force me to spend every available moment with him. He hasn’t laid down any clear cut terms for this arrangement, hasn’t let me know when or if this will end. He simply commands, and I obey, trepidation coloring my responses. Everything from what kind of sex we will have, to even what precautions we could take against making a child is his to decide. I am on birth control, but Drules are so much more fertile than human males. I could very well end up pregnant before Lotor ends our association, and perhaps that would be his ultimate revenge on me.

I am still crying, even as I think all these thoughts. Lotor is as still as a statue, but I can feel the anger coming off him in waves. It is a different kind of anger from what he has shown me previously, and I fear it. The anger feels more dangerous somehow, as though he might turn against me in a way that isn’t about sex and satisfaction. I don’t dare stop crying to speak to him, not even to feign concern. It’s up to Lotor to break his silence, and he keeps me waiting a long time indeed.

“I will have a room prepared for you.” My heart sinks at that, for it is the proof that confirms my fear. He is not letting me go, not yet satisfied from one night of sin and sex. I want to argue with him, but all I do is meekly bow my head in submission. My unease does not lessen as he continues, Lotor detailing the plans he has for me. “You won’t have much use for it. You are to come to my bed every night for as long as I so desire. If I have use for you during the days, I will send a summons to you. You will not refuse, and you will come immediately upon receiving it.”

His tone dared me to argue, Lotor insolent as he spoke. He knew as well as I did, that I had no choice but to obey. That I had to keep doing everything I could for Arus. I meekly answered him, not able to muster up true anger due to my exhausted state. “Yes.” It wasn’t as if I had anything better to do. I was no longer Queen, Arus no longer mine to rule. Why shouldn’t I devote myself to securing it’s care in the only way I was still able?

“You will wear what I give you. And you will eat and drink what I tell you to.” Was he that determined to control me, that he would detail out every aspect of my life? Apparently so, Lotor sneering. “It’s time we put some meat on your bones.” I shift enough to glance over my shoulder at him, Lotor’s eyes looking critical at my body. “You are skinnier than I remember.”

“That is because there has been little food to be had on Arus.” I tell him. For one-second he looks surprised, but I am unable to smile. Not when the truth about Arus cuts so deep. “I wasn’t lying when I said my people were starving. We’ve had little success with the wars ravaging our farmlands, and we haven’t had enough money to import foods from other worlds….”

“And no doubt due to your giving nature, you have allowed yourself to go hungry if it meant another could fill their belly for even one meal.”

It was an accurate guess, and one I was not ashamed by. “We’ve all had to make sacrifices.” My stare turns accusatory then. “And no one was willing to help us.”

“Am I supposed to feel ashamed for not caring about Arus and it’s people?” Lotor demands.

“No, I don’t really expect you to.” A different man would have been cut to the quick by my dismissive tone. Lotor just stares at me, an unfeeling monster. “But it is a shame, how the galaxy has changed. How the many worlds are no longer willing to help one another.”

“Not every world can afford to take on the problems of another planet.”

“But the Empire can.” I quickly point out. “The Empire has always been equipped with the money and resources to help. They just haven’t wanted to.”

“The Empire can’t do everything.” Lotor retorts. I can’t be satisfied with that, but have to comfort myself with the knowledge that at least Lotor and his Empire will help Arus.

“But you will help Arus, won’t you?” I ask, needing to hear him confirm it with his own mouth.

“Yes, of course.” He looks annoyed that I had to ask, as if he can’t be bothered with my need for his reassurances. “Come the morning, I intend to appoint several of my administration to journey to Arus. There they will assess the situation, and what is needed to fix the more immediate problems.”

“We need food!” I quickly tell him. “And medicines. Soldiers to settle our wars.”

“Who exactly is threatening Arus?”

“You don’t even know that much?” I am disheartened to learn just how thoroughly Lotor has ignored Arus’ problems. “Arus has many attackers. Not all of them from other worlds. The lesser lords and ladies of the lands that makes up Arus’ kingdoms have been fighting amongst themselves.” I lower my eyes, my hand lifting. I touch the back of my neck, where my hair covers a scar. “Even fighting against me…”

He’s realized what that touch means, his hands suddenly in my hair, Pulling it up and out of the way, so that he can graze fingertips over the scar. I can’t see his face, but I can hear the fury in his voice. “Who did this to you!?”

“His name does not matter.” I say, and Lotor all but snarls.

“It matters to me!” For one-second I think he cares about me personally, and it is a good feeling. To have someone this powerful be concerned about me? When I’ve been alone for so long, ignored for so long? But then I remember how he had treated me this night. How he can’t possibly care about me as a person.

“The Lord’s assassin has already been taken care of.”

“But not the Lord himself?” Lotor demands. “Give me his name!” His hands grab at me, flipping me over to face him. He looks like he wants to shake me, Lotor baring his teeth in a feral snarl. “Allura, when I ask you a question, you WILL answer.” The implied threat is apparent. I have to obey him in all matters, or Arus will be abandoned.

“Lord Plactus, of the Northern Altean Kingdom.” I whisper.

“Lord Plactus.” He repeats, and I know that Lord is now a dead man. Lotor will kill him. Not because he cares for me, but because he doesn’t like his possessions being damaged. Least of all by anyone’s hands but his.

“What will you do with Arus?” I ask, uneasy with the murderous gleam in Lotor’s eyes. His ease with killing is one of the many reasons I had always been so leery of him.

“I haven’t decided yet. How bad the situation is, will surely affect the outcomes of what I try to do there.” Lotor lets go of me, moving to settle himself against the bed’s pillows. He’s not looking at me as he talks, staring at something I can’t see. “But there are a few possibilities….”

“Possibilities?”

“If we can take back the land, restore it? It could become a great agricultural center to supply the Empire’s worlds with select imports.” That I could imagine, Arus never having been known for much aside from Voltron and it’s farmable lands.

“And if the land is not viable?”

“There are other ways to make use of it.” Lotor tells me. “Arus could become a training facility, whole sections of land cordoned off for the recruits that fight in the Empire’s wars. We could develop the world that way, the people of Arus earning money by serving the people and their families who come for the training offer on it’s lands.”

“Or maybe it could become a some kind of resort world for the Drule.” Lotor continues, his tone thoughtful. “Arus has always been a visual paradise. Many of my people wouldn’t mind spending some time on it’s lands without having to fight and kill.”

“What about the people of Arus? What will you do with them?” I ask, anxious again.

“The Empire doesn’t do charity. They will have to work off the cost of any aid we provide them.” He closes his eyes, settling down to go to sleep. “Fear not Allura. I won’t leave them destitute. But neither will I give them hand outs. They will have to prove themselves productive members of my empire, just like so many others have had to do the same.”

“The people of Arus have never been afraid of working hard.” I tell him. He doesn’t respond, clearly done with this conversation. I stare at him a long moment, realizing my tears have finally dried up. I don’t feel much hope for myself, but for Arus, and the people of my home world? I truly think they at last stand a chance at doing more than just surviving. I wish I could feel the same was true for me, but my body still aches. Still bears the discomfort of how he has used me. It’s only been one night, how am I to endure the coming days? I have no answer, and it is to a troubled sleep I go.


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