Allura was in his arms, shaking violently, her tears soaking the front of his shirt. She had ceased trying to escape his hold, laying docile against him, her face resting against his shoulder. She was sobbing loudly, angry hiccups coming out in between breaths. Lotor wondered if she could hear him, the prince’s voice low in an attempt to be soothing. He rubbed her bare back as she cried, Lotor gathering her up on his lap to rock her gently.
But she was inconsolable, nothing he did calming her down. It left Lotor puzzled, the prince not understanding what was wrong with her. Why had she reacted in such an extreme manner to his attempts to love her? All he had wanted to do was pleasure her, to regain the closeness they had once shared. But Allura had reacted like a wounded animal, growing hysterical as she screamed her heart out.
“It’s okay.” Lotor murmured into her hair, even as he knew it was not. She just cried harder, fingers clutching at his open shirt, the girl clinging to him. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it.” He wished he felt as confidant as he sounded, Lotor at a loss for Allura’s distress.
Allura said something, voice breaking on a sob, the words lost to Lotor’s ears. He frowned, and touched her hair, trying to tilt her head back so he could look into her eyes. She dully obeyed that pull on her hair, revealing eyes that were red rimmed and filled with tears. Her lips were still moving, and she seemed to stare at Lotor without really seeing him.
He stared at her kiss swollen lips, trying to read the words as they were formed, and realized she was speaking in broken Drule, bits of Arusian slipping in to fill in the sentences. It was as though she had forgotten most of the Drule language in her upset, Allura sounding childish and unsure. But her words were strong ones, harsh accusations that had Lotor stiffening.
“Rape….” She choked on the word, tears flowing faster down her cheeks. “Lotor…raped Allura.” She was suddenly shaking her head, trying to jerk free of his hands’ grip on her hair. “Again and again…more times than Allura can count.”
“What?” He frowned, and she screamed, eyes wild with fear.
“You raped me!” She was shoving at him, almost beating her hands against his chest in her attempts to get away. Lotor held on to her, enduring her blows, a put on expression on his face. “I didn’t want you, and you forced yourself on me! You never even gave me a choice!” Her words were becoming more coherent, Allura’s breathing become ragged. She seemed torn between crying and glaring at him, practically hissing as she spoke. “From the first time I met you…right up onto a few months ago, you raped me. Countless months of continuos rape!”
He was shocked, almost speechless as he stared at her. Is that what she thought? Is that how she looked on their past experiences together? Lotor shook his head no, and Allura let out an anguished scream. The sound hurt his ears, Lotor grimacing in pain.
“Allura no…I gave you pleasure. Time and time again. We enjoyed one another.”
She scoffed, the sound ending on a hysterical sob. “What about on Pollux?” Her eyes stared at him accusingly, Lotor flinching as he thought back to that first night on Pollux. He remembered how angry he had been, how green with jealousy her relationship with Avok had made him. When Allura began hitting him, Lotor had known he had lost control of her, the prince moving to regain it in the only way he knew how short of hitting her.
He could still remember the pitiful pained sounds she had made, the way she had tried to scramble away from him at first. And then how she just lay there, whimpering pathetically into a pillow. It hadn’t made him feel good, he had regretted it in an instant. “Pollux was….a different time…” he began, and Allura sneered at him.
“Not that different from the first day I met you!”
“You were given to me as a gift.” Lotor began, voice level in it’s blandness. “You were my slave…..it’s not a crime to rape property.”
“Property?!” Lotor realized he had said the wrong thing, Allura resuming her struggles. “I am a living, breathing person! I am not an object! I have real feelings and emotions! I feel pain when you hurt me! And Lotor you did hurt me!”
“Only that night on Pollux.” She screamed again, and suddenly her arm was moving, her hand slapping across his face. The blow jarred him, chasing away the last of the wine addled haze in his mind.
“You hurt me each time you forced me to have sex with you!” Allura shouted, and scrambled off a stunned Lotor’s lap. She backwards crawled on the bed, reaching the head board, and grabbing hold of a pillow. She placed that cushion before her, clutching the pillow to her stomach as though it would shield her from Lotor.
He didn’t understand, and let the confusion show on his face. “I gave you pleasure.” She shook her head in denial, Lotor kneeling at the opposite end of the bed. “I did. I made you climax many times. You enjoyed what I did!”
“You forced my body to enjoy it!” She snapped back, fingers tight on the pillow, her nails almost tearing open the fabric in her agitation. “You forced pleasure on me, pleasure that was unwanted!”
“How could anyone not want pleasure?” A confused Lotor asked. Allura’s eyes narrowed, the girl looking close to throwing the pillow at him. “I was not a difficult master. I saw to your needs, gave your body what it craved.”
“You made me your victim!” The word had him reeling back, Lotor shocked. “You did. And you continue to make me your victim each time you force me into your bed. Just like you tried to do tonight!”
“I wasn’t trying to rape you!” Lotor shouted over her words, incensed that she had misinterpreted his actions. “I was only…”
“Only what?!” Allura demanded. “I told you no! I told you to stop! Not only did you ignore me, you purposely kissed me!”
“I only wanted to make love to you…” He whispered, but Allura continued as though he hadn’t spoken.
“You always do that! Try to kiss away my protests. Try to suffocate me with your nearness, and eat up my words so that you can keep on pretending I want this, want you!”
“I do all that?” A stunned Lotor asked, Allura giving a savage nod of her head. “It’s not on purpose. It isn’t!” He insisted, but inwardly he was having doubts. How many times had he heard Allura’s protests, and tried to turn them into moans, tried to distract her, tried to change her words into ones of agreement? “Allura..I…I’m sorry…”
“What if sorry is not good enough?!”
“I’ll do anything to make this right.” Lotor said, expression earnest. “What do you want? Jewels, gowns, more plays? Tell me and it’s yours.”
“You can’t buy my forgiveness!” She actually threw the pillow at him, Lotor ducking it just in time. “Just as you can’t buy my love!”
“Then let me earn both of them.” He started to crawl towards her, and she panicked, scrambling to the right to get off the bed. He lunged after her, intent on boxing her in, Lotor trapping Allura against the wall. She stared up at him, lower lip trembling, her whole body’s posture meek and cowering. Lotor didn’t know what Allura thought he was going to do, but he reached for her hands, holding them in a tight grip.
“You can’t…” She shook her head, whispering the words. “You may never be able to make this right between us.”
“I have to try.” Lotor insisted, and bowed his head so that his lips brushed against her forehead. “Allura, if we are to have a future together, you must stop thinking of this as rape.”
“It will always be rape so long as you continue to ignore my protests.” Allura told him, blinking her red rimmed eyes in rapid succession.
“Then I will wait for you to be ready. For you to say yes to me.”
“I may never be ready.” Her words were disheartening, though Lotor tried not to show it. “What if I can never be with you?”
“The time will come when you will be able to…” Lotor began, and Allura cut him off.
“You can’t know that! Do you know how fearful I am of sex? And not just with you, but with men in general. I may never be able to have a normal relationship, a healthy sex life. Even as you do things that my body acknowledges as feeling good, the dread and nervousness that accompany such actions is overwhelming. I’m damaged Lotor! Maybe beyond repair!”
She was starting to cry again, Lotor feeling helpless at the sight of her tears. “Allura no….everyone is fixable…”
“Not everyone.” She retorted. “Sex scares me….and you scare me when you want sex from me! What if the only way I am able to have sex is through rape?!”
“I’ll work on that with you.” He didn’t dare crack a joke at this time, expression serious as he stared at her. “I’ll find a way to get you over your hang-ups.”
“It’s impossible…” Allura sighed.
“Nothing is impossible!” Lotor told her, and she shook her head no.
“You’ll get tired of waiting. You’ll push and demand, and if that doesn’t work, you’ll just take what you want.”
“I’ve been good these last few months…for the most part.” Lotor pointed out, and she hesitated. “Come Allura, is being in my bed really that horrible?” He was trying to coax a smile out of her, but her look was deadly serious.
“There can be no joy as long as there is no choice.” She was pulling on her arms, trying to get her hands free. He reluctantly released his grip, watching as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Haven’t you wondered why the minute you allowed me a choice, I never took you back into my bed?” He had wondered, Lotor devoting many nights to thinking up ways to get Allura to cave in and accept him with open arms. “I’m afraid of you. I’m afraid of what you’ll do…and what you’ll make me feel.”
“I don’t want you to be afraid of me!”
“It’s too late for that.” She lowered her eyes, Allura gazing down at the floor. “I don’t know what to do.” Lotor felt like he had missed something important, the prince looking at her questioningly. “I know if I stay with you, we can’t continue the way we have. You’ll become impatient, you’ll eventually take what you want from me. I can’t live that way!”
“No, you’re wrong!” Lotor protested. “I’m willing to wait for you for as long as you need.”
“What if that time never comes?!” She slipped out from between him and the wall, walking nude around the room. Even with the harsh reality they were discussing, he wanted her, Lotor trying not to stare at her perfect bottom as it flexed with her movements. “I understand to choose to stay with you on Doom is to choose to be yours. I don’t want to give up my children, but I don’t know if I can make such a sacrifice for them!”
That hurt, Lotor not liking that Allura was acting like it was so extreme a hardship to lay with him. “Is that it? Are you leaving me?”
She stayed with her back to him, shoulders sagging. “I don’t know what to do.” He walked towards her, reaching out with his arms to wrap her in a hug from behind. Allura went immediately stiff with tension, a sob escaping her. Just like so much of the past few minutes, it confused him, Lotor whispering into her ear.
“It’s you behind me….it reminds me of Pollux. I can’t stand to feel you naked against my back.” He released her at her explanation, Lotor stunned.
“It affected you that much?” He asked, Allura turning to look at him. She nodded, and was crying once more, the tears streaking down her cheeks.
“You wanted to prove a point!” Allura sobbed, bringing her fist to her mouth. She seemed to bite at her knuckles, trying to hold in her sounds. “It was a very effective lesson in what would happen if I disobeyed you.”
He felt guilty now, Lotor just staring at the crying girl. He realized she was right, he had done damage to her, perhaps irreparably so. Lotor was thinking on all their past encounters, inwardly flinching as he recalled less than stellar moments. Such as the time he had chased her down, throwing her to the floor, and fucking her on the carpet. He had been exhilarated by the chase, turned on like he had never been before. Lotor could even recall thinking smugly how it had been one of the best lays of his life, and now he shivered, realizing just what kind of monster he had been to her.
“You must have been so frightened.” He said softly, reaching up to touch her cheek. His thumb brushed at her tears, smearing them away. ‘I’m sorry for that. Sorry I took the choice out of your hands. Sorry I didn’t do right by you.” Other memories were coming, Lotor recalling how the days after her rescue from Prince Morwin, he had treated her like she was incapable of exhaustion, making desperate love to her. Even after he got her pregnant, he continued to tire her out with his amorous intentions, using her again and again even when she made protests of being sleepy.
“I’m sorry.” Lotor told her, recalling the day he had freed her. How he had been angry at her refusal to want to marry him. He cringed as he remembered how he pinned her against the computer console, all but threatening her with rape for her refusal. He had talked of being a better man, a changed man, but he had been tempted, her fear palpable, Allura looking delectable as she trembled against him. “I’m a monster.”
Allura didn’t argue him that point, just crying silently as he continued to brush away her tears. Lotor didn’t know how he was going to fix this, but he wanted to try. “Allura please….don’t let this fear…don’t let what I’ve done in the past, what I almost did tonight deny you the chance to be with your children. I can make you happy…both in bed and out. You just have to give me a chance, you just have to learn to trust me.”
“I don’t know if I can.” She admitted, voice hoarse from all the crying and screaming she did.
“But try…for the sake of our family. For the sake of our future, for our happiness.” He urged, and Allura looked away. Lotor had to fight not to force her to keep looking at him, the girl sighing deeply.
“I need to think.”
“All right…” He quickly agreed. “I’ll leave you alone for tonight.” He was already tucking himself back into his pants, and doing up the buttons of his shirt. She backed away from him, heading towards the closet but unable to take her eyes off of Lotor. It was as though Allura didn’t trust him to behave long enough to leave the room. “I need to think too. To think on how to make things better between us.”
“There’s no easy solutions.”
He flashed her a smile, a wry twisting of his lips. “Anything worth fighting for never is easy.” He locked eyes with her, letting her see how serious he was. “And you are the most worthy thing I know of to fight for.” She was already at the closet, almost backing into the clothing hanging there. Lotor shared one last smoldering look with her, before turning, stalking out of the bedroom and into the outer chamber. Allura didn’t even wait for him to get out into the hall, already breaking down into tears, the sound making him wince as though knives were stabbing into him.
“Hey boss.” Cossack was out in the hall, clearly waiting for Lotor to emerge from his evening with Allura. “You don’t look so good.”
“Then I look as I feel.” Lotor said tiredly, and walked over to the door that would lead into his apartment. Cossack followed behind him, the two Drules entering the room together. The commander waited until the door closed, and then was speaking.
“Is everything going okay with Allura?” Lotor just looked at him, and Cossack sighed. “Guess not. Would have thought you two would be celebrating the good news.” He sighed, a thought clearly occurring to him. “But I suppose an execution would hurt her delicate sensibilities.”
“It would.” Lotor agreed, walking over to the table where a pitcher of water sat. He wanted a good stiff drink, and yet he knew it would only make things worse if he imbibed liquor. So he settled for ice water, Lotor drinking thirstily of his glass. “I didn’t tell her.”
“You didn’t?” Cossack was surprised.
“I didn’t want to ruin the night for her.” Lotor thought back on the moment the guard had approached him, pulling him away from the play. The man had been excited to report that the capital city of Amazonia had fallen, and with it the Queen had been captured. “But…”
“But what?” Cossack asked.
“I failed in that regard.” He snorted, disgusted with himself. “Oh Cossack….she may never come to love me.”
“Don’t say that!” protested Cossack, shaking his head no. “Not if you don’t want it to come true!”
“I fear it already has. She’s frightened of me Cossack. She might even hate me for what I’ve done to her in the past.” Lotor slammed down his cup, staring down at his hands. He could see remains of pink under his nails, the remnants of Allura’s shredded dress. “I raped her Cossack…I took what I wanted from her again and again without thought to her feelings or what she really wanted!”
He turned to look at his friend, the Drule stunned. “I don’t know what to say.” Cossack admitted, a tad sheepishly.
“It’s fine.” Lotor said gruffly. “I didn’t know what to say to her accusations either.”
“Did you make it clear to her that she was a slave? That’s it not a crime on Doom to rape one?”
“That didn’t make her feel better. if anything she became more agitated.” Lotor sighed. “What am I going to do?”
“Don’t know boss.” Cossack sighed as well, looking depressed.
Lotor began pacing, voice silent as he thought about the situation with Allura. He wondered if there was any way to fix things with her, a way to help her regain her trust. He snorted at that, realizing he had never really had her trust in the first place, the girl shattered by what he had done to her. He was at a lost, truly not knowing what to do when heart spoken apologies and gifts would not be enough to appease Allura.
“They’re waiting on you, you know.” Cossack said, and Lotor glanced at him. “The execution is set to happen at any time.”
“I’ll be there shortly.” Lotor told him, and Cossack nodded.
“Let Merla’s death take your mind off your problems. At least for a little while.” Advised Cossack. “And hey…the guardsmen you snuck into the palace via the play group, are slowly taking position in the castle. No one will notice when the performers leave with a few less men.”
“At least that is one thing that is taken care of.” Lotor sighed, unable to cheer up at the thought of the allies he had snuck into the castle. Perhaps watching Merla’s execution would be just the key to chasing away his bad mood. At least for a little while. “Come Cossack. Let’s hurry to the throne room. I’m sure my father is eager to watch the troublesome queen breathe her last breath.”
“I know I’m looking forward to it!” Cossack said, and hurried to the room’s door. Lotor walked at a more sedate pace, still thinking about Allura. Right now it seemed like a hopeless case, the prince having no idea how he was going to make things better between them.