Regret 09

I have spent the morning restless and on edge, my body coiled tight with tension. Too often do I find myself flexing my claws, wanting and waiting for the chance to sink them into someone. I want to maim, to scratch, to tear apart flesh. I want to hurt for even the slightest of offenses, as if that could somehow appease the beast that lurks inside me. I want to revel in blood, to feel it spray and splatter against me, to roar out in glorious triumph as I forget that I and my people have long become civilized creatures.

But we are not tamed, not cured of our volatile natures. We may play at being similar to the humans, but inside we never forget the monsters we once were. It shows in our passions, our violative displays of emotion. We feel more intensely than the humans, our blood running especially hot with all the negatives of emotions. Make no mistake, the Drules are more than animals, instead beings whose ancestors were the basis of many of the human’s nightmares. We retain our predatory nature, keeping our claws and fangs sharp for the kill.

It is a struggle, on days like today, to remember the need to play at being the civilized king. My predatory nature glints in my eyes, watching, waiting. Sizing up those around me for weaknesses. The men and women who attend to me? They are nervous, recalling the notorious temper I had possessed in my youth. Back when I was nothing more than a prince, young and love sick, I had given in often to the need to hurt those around me, to kill for even the slightest of offenses. I’ve since learned to temper those murderous impulses save for the times my mood is at it’s most foul.

How unfortunate for me, that everyone is tip toeing around me. They walk as though on eggshells, scared that the slightest crack of one, will get me to snap. No one dares to meet my eyes, their own gaze looking somewhere past my shoulder. They talk at my chest, rather than to me, their bodies rigid with fear. They are so afraid of being the one to say something that will trigger my displeasure, so frightened that I wonder if they are not editing their reports to tell me only what I would want to hear. Little do they realize that today I am not interested in any of it, my thoughts alternating between my anger and the woman who had snuck out of my bed.

I know all about how she had practically crawled to the guest quarters of my castle. Numerous reports had come in, all confirming that Allura had barely been able to stand let alone walk. She had been hurting, and unable to hide the pain that she was in. I barely reacted to the news, keeping my expression schooled. But inside, my emotions were in direct conflict with one another, smug anger at war with the regret I feel. I don’t like that regret, don’t like that any part of me could feel remorse at hurting Allura. I tell myself Allura deserves worse than what she got, knowing I would be only too glad to revisit upon her the night’s happenings again and again. It would be easy to do, my hunger for her not at all sated. I wonder if it ever will be, if I will ever be able to cool down the fires of my desire for her.

I honestly fear the answer to that thought. To want Allura is one thing, but to need her that desperately? It is unacceptable! And yet my body wants what it wants, hungry and eager for another taste of Allura. It is all I can do to keep from calling out to her, from ordering her to attend to me right this very moment. I won’t of course. I refuse to let her have any more power over me, refused to be reduced to the Allura craving addict I had been in my youth. I will not be ruled by my cock, and I will not let the allure of her body, of any woman’s body, make a fool out of me. Not again. Not now that I am older and I am wiser. The mistakes I made in the past, cannot be repeated. I will not lead myself or my empire to ruin, especially over some woman.

Never mind that her body had been the softest, sweetest fuck I had ever had. Never mind that Allura felt as though she had been made to fit around me, the perfect fit to so much more than just my cock. She should have been the other half to my soul, my perfect mate, the woman of my dreams made real. Something hurts inside me, mourning what should have been. Wailing in agony over what Allura had stolen from us. It can’t ever be taken back, we can’t ever reach that place again. We’ve done too much, hurt each other in ways we can’t recover from.

It angers me as much as hurts me, those lost opportunities. The man in front of me flinches, having recognized the look in my eyes. He’s surely reviewing what he had just been saying, trying to find a reason for the anger blazing in my expression. Everyone seems to have frozen around us, no one daring to move. A slave girl is kneeling a few feet from me, struggling to hold up a heavy silver platter loaded with this morning’s breakfast. She knows she will be beaten if she drops so much as a single item, her frightened eyes trying to keep from letting loose with tears.

The slave girl is unimportant though, a mere fixture to the room. Hell the five present of my administration? These men might as well have been slaves themselves, so insignificant do I find them now. They haven’t yet realized that, still so frightened of my black mood. It feels good to be so feared. I almost want to laugh, seconds before I grab someone by the throat.

“You.” I say, fighting the temptation to squeeze down and crush the throat I am gripping. The man’s eyes are panicked, he’s fighting not to make a sound. No one else is rushing to his aid, conscious that any action on their part might end with them suffering in this man’s place. “I am giving you a special appointment.” He can’t even speak properly, and he is too scared to properly register my words. “I’m sending you to Arus.” I continue, words hissing out of me. “You will go there and assess the situation. Figure out what needs to be done to improve things on that wretched world.”

A slight tensing of my fingers, just a tease of what I COULD do to this man, before I drop him. “I expect the report of your findings, AND the solution, on my desk within five days time.”

The man is on his knees, trying not to gag on his own breath. It’s someone else that speaks, this man as surprised as he is fearful. “Arus?” He says. “But it will take nearly three days just to travel to that world….” Unspoken is the thought that it would take even longer to figure out how to fix the planet’s many problems.

“Ah.” A tight smile that is neither happy nor amused. “Thank you for that reminder.” Without even looking at the Drule on the floor, I issue a correction to my previous orders. “You have four days now to get that report to me.”

The silence that follows is appalled, no one daring to speak for fear the time will be cut even shorter. Nor do they ask why I am concerning myself with Arus, though they surely disapprove. It has been many years since Arus was worth anything, and even longer since I have cared for it’s ruler. But they have to know that Allura is here on Doom. Just as they have to know what her continued presence in the castle means. Cowards that they are, none of my administration’s staff would speak out against the reasons why I shouldn’t involve myself with Arus or it’s former Queen.

I am not so lucky where the witch is concerned. She does not fear me, any more than she had my long dead father. Nor is Haggar content to wait, once she learns Allura is still in the castle. Not even an hour passes before the doors to my office would open, the heavy steel slamming into the walls. It actually cracks the marble, leaving me to shake my head as I ready a chastisement.

“Haggar, really.” I drawl out, reaching for a choice strip of meat from the breakfast platter. “A less dramatic entrance would have sufficed, and would have been infinitely easier on the wall.” I pause to taste the meat. “Not to mention less expensive.”

“You’re rich enough to be able to afford it’s repair.” Comes Haggar’s curt answer. Her face is cloaked in shadows from her hood, but even then her eyes are noticeable, yellow and gleaming with anger. She’s never liked Allura, never liked the effect that woman could have on me. I can’t say I blame her. Right now I feel very much in agreement with the witch, hating Allura’s effect that leaves my body unsated and my thoughts disturbed.

I won’t share with Haggar just how much I am struggling, won’t give her any more ammunition to use against me. She has plenty of her own, the witch vehemently disapproving of any contact I might make with Allura. But Haggar doesn’t rule me. For all her power, for all the valuable advice I’ve come to depend on from her, the matter of Allura is the one thing I will not allow the witch to guide me on. Perhaps that is stupid of me. But I know what the witch would suggest. What’s she advised me to do in the past. But I will not kill Allura. To lose her completely would be an unsatisfactory end, and I think to myself that for all my power, I should be allowed this one weakness.

Haggar would think it one weakness too many. And unlike my staff, she won’t hesitate to remind me of the many mistakes I made in my youth where Allura was concerned. It is not a reminder I want or need, the remembered humiliations almost as strong now as they were when they first happened. I know too well the foolishness I committed in Allura’s name, the mistakes I had made that nearly cost Doom everything. But just as I was stupid where Allura was concerned, I also did something RIGHT. On the heels of Allura’s callous rejection, I had immediately set out to make something of Doom. To make it more than what my father had envisioned, creating an empire so grand, it had planets fighting for the honor to be part of it. No longer did Doom have to set out to invade and conquer, the planets came to us, people eager for the Drule’s protection and a chance to share in the wealth of the Empire.

I had no true reason for doing this save for the selfish need to position myself in place for the day when Arus, when Allura herself, would need my mercy. Revenge can be a great motivator, and it has spurred me on through ten bleak years. Through my boredom and despair, through my tireless efforts to make Doom thrive where all others have not.

I’m sure Haggar can appreciate that much at least. Even if she does not approve of Allura being the motivating factor behind so many of my actions. I can’t see her expression, but I am sure she is scowling, the witch stalking towards me. Anyone else would have been cut down for their daring, wouldn’t have had the nerve to approach me with such anger and open hostility. But Haggar isn’t just anyone. She is as close to a mother as I have ever known, and I trust her more than I trust just about anyone else on Doom.

Haggar holds special privileges that allow her to speak freely where others cannot. She doesn’t hold back, doesn’t care that there are others present that would spread to others whatever is spoken between us. She’ll berate me if she must, and I’m sure these terrified mice will laugh about it in the privacy of their own homes. But for now they remain rooted to the spot, trying to hide their fascination at the conversation taking place.

“Why is she still here?!” Haggar demands, shaking a bone thin finger at me. “Why is that bitch not already on a ship back to her damnable world!?”

I take my time answering, having snatched another piece of meat off the slave girl’s platter. Haggar all but shakes with her impatience, gleaming eyes narrowed in annoyance. “She’s not going back.”

Haggar does not look surprised. She had to have heard the rumors, the gossip driving her to use her magic to spy and ferret out the truth of what is really going on. It doesn’t mean she accepts what is happening, or that she will keep silent about her dissatisfaction with what I’ve done.

“What possible reason could you have to keep her here any longer?!” Haggar asks. “You’ve gotten what you wanted from her.”

My expression comes closer to betraying my private upset to the room. I busy myself with eating, but inside I am hurting. Seething over the inaccuracy of Haggar’s words. She won’t understand, Haggar’s never been in love, never been betrayed in the manner that I have been. She’s never suffered a broken heart, never lost her ability to love, or to believe in love. She’s never known what it is like to have all your hopes and dreams crushed so completely.

“It’s not just about the sex.” I finally say. The witch makes a scoffing sound, her disbelief mocking me.

“If it’s not about fucking her, than what IS it about?” She demands. “What possible reason could you have for keeping her around any longer than you need too?”

“Allura and I have an agreement.” It is purposefully vague to draw the maximum amount of reaction from Haggar.

“Oh yes, I’ve heard about your so called agreement.” Another disapproving glare, Haggar shaking her head no. “You can’t possibly mean to help her planet! To extend the Empire’s own resources to save that pathetic world!” She didn’t give me a chance to answer, gasping, outraged. “You do!” Another shake of her finger, Haggar growling now. “Why? She can’t be that good a fuck! No one is!”

“I’ve given my word.”

“Oh, your word.” Mocked Haggar. “We all know it’s not worth much of anything. You make and break promises as it suits you. Why should a promise to Allura be any different?”

“Because I will it to be so.” I calmly replied. “Allura has come a long way, has sacrificed much to get help for her people.”

“Oh yes, so self sacrificing.” Haggar grumbled. “And yet if she had any real sense, the little bitch would have married you when given half a chance. That would have solved all of Arus’ problems years ago.”

The familiar pain spikes through me. I’ve often wondered why Allura had been willing to do just about anything for her planet and people except the one obvious solution. Why did her self sacrificing nature balk at the idea of tying herself to me in that way? Why had Allura been willing to sacrifice everything but her own future? I would have loved her. I would have cherished her more than my own life, would have worshipped her as a living Goddess. But she had turn her back on my love, on the happiness we could have achieved together. Now all that was left was lust, angry and violent, and designed to hurt rather than please.

“Allura was only sixteen years old the first time I asked her to marry me.” I say out loud. “Perhaps too young to make such a life altering decision.” A bland smile from me, as if this doesn’t hurt me at all. “Enough time has passed since then, that she has had to grow up.”

“Grown up, or just gotten that desperate?” Haggar wanted to know. Another sharp lance of pain through me, for I know it’s the truth Haggar has voiced.

“We’ve all grown up.” I tell her. “Grown up and become wiser. I know now that Allura and I would never suit each other in marriage.”

“Thank the Dark Gods for that small favor.” Hagger mutters.

“Just as Allura knows that marriage is no longer an option.” I continue. “If anything, I am doing her a favor. Allowing her to buy my help with the only coin left to her.”

Haggar seemed to consider that, slowly shaking her head no. “I still don’t like it.”

“It is not required of you to like it.”

“With the amount of help Arus needs, Allura is going to have to whore herself out to you for a long time…” Haggar complained with a sigh. I can’t quite hide my satisfaction at that, which only serves to add to the witch’s agitation. “This is not something to be happy about.” She tells me angrily. “I WORRY about you.”

“Where Allura is concerned, I can take care of myself.”

“I’m not so sure of that.” She reaches out to touch me, to hold me still when I try to turn away. “Lotor…this has all the makings of a disaster.”

“For Allura, perhaps.” I say.

“For YOU!” She corrects none too gently. “You’re this close to falling into back into her clutches. How much worse will her hold on you become, if you are forced to spend even more time with her? How much more time before you are back to chasing after her, proposing marriage, trying to make her the Queen of your empire?”

“You go too far witch.” I snarl, jerking free of her hands. “Even for you!”

“I speak out of concern. Not just for our people, but for YOU!” She persists. “I don’t want you to fall back into old habits, especially the bad ones. Allura has an effect on you. She’s always clouded your judgment, always made you act foolish.”

“That Lotor is a me of the past.” I retort. “The only use I have for Allura is for her body. For the pleasure she can give my cock.”

“You can get that pleasure from a million other women.” Haggar insists. “And at far less a cost than the price Allura will exact from you!”

“It is because it is Allura, that the pleasure will be a million times more satisfying!” I shout, my temper having snapped at long last. Haggar doesn’t so much as flinch, giving me a pointed look.

“You had her all last night, did you not?” She demands, hands on her hips. “And not one inch of you reeks of satisfaction. If anything, you are in a mood fouler than any I’ve ever witnessed from you.”

“It’s because you badger me.” I snarl in retort. “You know I do not tolerate well having my decisions questioned.”

“Is that all it really is?” Haggar asks. “Or are you already so consumed with that bitch, that all you really want is the chance to get between her legs a second time?”

“Oh how little credit you give me. To think I would let the night pass and only have Allura a single time during it.”

Haggar doesn’t appreciate my little jest. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t need Allura.” I insist. “I certainly don’t need to have sex with her constantly.” But even as I say this, something inside me twitches at the lies I have spoken. I do need Allura. If only to satisfy my sick impulses and need for revenge against her. Even as I know Haggar is right, that I should distance myself from Allura, I know I will not. I’m already addicted to her, to having her in my bed. And it is the lack of her that leaves me in such a foul mood, my body tense and wound up tight as though I have gone days without sex.

“Are you sure?” Haggar demands, her tone, even the way she stands, shows her strong doubt towards my claims.

“Of course I am.” I snap back insistently. “I am in complete control of the situation and of Allura.”

“And of yourself?” questions Haggar, but she doesn’t wait for my answer. She’s too in doubt of the situation, to ever believe anything I might say in regard to Allura and my plans for her. I try not to share in the witch’s doubts, try not to let uncertainty fill me at her words. I have Allura right where I need her. Her fate now in my hands, Allura living to serve me and me alone. She might as well be a slave, for all the rights and freedoms I’ll allow her. But always there is a choice, or the illusion of one at any rate. Allura could turn her back to me, could refuse the price that I demand. And all she has to do is walk away from Arus, and ignore the needs of a people she has spent her entire life working to provide for.

It’s something Allura would never willingly do. No matter how depraved and degrading I am to her, she would never just abandon Arus. It is her own nature that has trapped her with me, that has sealed her fate. With her own two hands, with the many bad decisions she’s made over the years, Allura has driven herself to this own end. I can only smile, and revel in the fact that Allura’s mistakes are my rewards. And all the while I try to ignore the bitter feeling that infuses my every thought, my every action.